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Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
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| Time: | 2.13.07 - 5.51am |
| Music: | λΉ„. |
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I don't know if it's the chocolate overload, that tomorrow's Valentine's day, or if it's the sappy Korean music in the background, but I miss home and my friends and family like crazy. And I don't mean in an "ohmygod I need to get off this island and away from the staring and being forced to eat fish eyes" kind of way. Nor is it an "I'm going to cry myself to sleep because I can't be with the people who I love the most" kind of pain. It's just a mellow nostalgic, "look at pictures and smile because my friends make me happy" vibe.
I honestly can't wait to get back to the states and resume the rest of my life, uncertain but MINE, with those who help me color my world.
Tbat being said I am extremely uncertain about my future. I want to be back and have choices again, but I haven't figured out what I want yet. I don't know what I want to go to school for, where I want to live, what kind of job I want to take when I get back...there are so many things I need to decide before I pack up my boxes in August and ship them back to the land of Golden Arches, streets of gold, and the Golden Gate Bridge.
Still, I feel like I am at a high point in my life. It's taken me 5 years, but I finally care about the future. I want to wake up in the morning. I care what happens to me. I want to accomplish something. And more importantly, I have the confidence to realize that I might actually be able to do that. (And all this in the freezing Japanese WINTER, guys.)
Anyways, I'm in a good way right now, so I had to get it down. Oyasumi.
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Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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Ahh I never ever write in here anymore..I guess a mini update won't hurt anyone. Life is good. Japan is..different. I'm not in a big city, so it's definitely not Tokyo Drift or anything like that. I live in a tiny town on a tiny town. I teach everyone i see in a day, or teach their children. I can drive an hour north or south (those are my only two options) and people know who i am from reading about me in the paper. It's interesting. I'm learning a ton, eating lots of new foods, meeting new people, and getting used to a completely different lifestyle. I haven't been in a car going more than 40 miles an hour in a good 3 months. I hope i can get back into city life when I returrrn. :)
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So...Ani and Louise, who have disappeared off the face of LJ, both updated back-to-back, so I guess I'm gonna follow suit. :)
Not much to say...I guess I've graduated. My familiy's moved into/gotten an apartment building. My dog died. Sara's in Buenos Aires. Ellen's in Durham. Mark's heading to DC. Natasha'll be in LA, Louise in San Diego (I think I drive all my favorite people there). I'm leaving for Tsushima in 3 weeks. Coleman left yesterday and convinced my mom that we need to go to Palm Desert/Springs, so we're leaving tomorrow for LA and'll be there from Thursday till Sunday. (He'll be there until Friday.)
My facebooking was out of hand for a while, but i think i've gotten it under control. It only took 6 months... and the ppl I stalked most have all gone private. I swear it's not a coincidence.
Guitar Hero arrived yesterday and is amazing...but one day I will learn to play the drums.
I have lost 3 lbs and my parents are suddenly pressuring me to go to law school. (Apparently my arguing/cross-examination skills impress them.)
Someone teach me html.
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my ipod is frozen. Recently it's also been starting up with a sad ipod face and the support site address...but it normally wakes up eventually. I'm sad. Technology hates me.
Oh, I got an ipod.
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I never listen to music anymore. At least not like I used to. Now it's just party music in the car to remind me that there are weekend nights that are full of parties. It's sad that that's all I want to think about, ever really look forward to is party nights.
But now, I'm listening to all of these pretty things and they make me want to go out and create new memories and have fun experiences and meet people and love the people I love. I forgot about all these things, and life outside of stanford and my parents. And I'm happy I'm feeling this because 10 minutes ago I thought I wanted to give up everything/give up on all of my friendships and just start everything fresh in Japan. How silly. I love my relationships even though they aren't perfect. I need to make the best of my time left here at Stanford, in the US, becuase they're going to be gone so soon.
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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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| Subject: | JAPAN!!! |
| Time: | 4.13.06 - 2.47am |
| Mood: |  chipper. | | Music: | The Evidence in the background. |
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Hi Guys! So my journal is super depressing. I'm sorry about that. I only write when I mad or something. Lame.
Anyway, so...what's going on in my life? I'm going to Japan!! I got a job! I'm so excited to have a plan for next year. I was very worried for a while, but I'll be teaching english in Japan with JET next year. I just heard a week ago. I'm happy because it's what I've wanted to do for a long time (live abroad, especially in Japan), but I'm scared 'cause I've never really been away from home for more than like 3 weeks. But, I'm not going to die. They have food and water there. It'll be a learning experience. :)
I had sober party time tonight. Haven't done that....like....ever. It was actually super fun. I don't like 80's parties, so I wasn't too into dressing like a weird-o and dancing to 80's music that I don't like, but it was great this time. Not walking was also a super plus. Then went to the nuthouse for Cullen's 22 birthday party. More fun. Coleman got kicked out for getting into a fight with the drunk bartender. And then 10 minutes later she apologized and told him to come back inside (I think Cullen said he was his boyfriend and she felt bad?). Greatness. Yeah...i guess you don't know who he is...but if you did...Aaaaanyway....:)
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Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
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Happy New Years a few days late. Yeah, I've come to terms with my lack of punctuality and unfortunate vocabulary. :)
Sooo, first things first. Resolutions?
1. Study more. Frat party less.
2. Stop spending so much time of thefacebook.
3. Go to the gym or something so that simple tasks stop causing shortness of breath.
4. Find a hobby.
5. Smile more.
And now this from Louise (and we can see what's changed by next year).
Name 5 simple pleasures that you like most(ish), then pick 5 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used. Tag 5 people on your list.
1) My Dad's laugh, and my mom saying "what the hell?"
2) Colorful and/or matching underwear
3) Spending any amount of time with my aunt
4) Being able to leave whenever I want
5) My mom's breakfast
uhmuhmhuhm...citryn, banshea, gloriani, souporman, and beachglass83?
5 things that I dislike
1. Sunrise
2. Sundays
3. When my mom asks me about school
4. Sleeping anywhere other than my own place/bed
5. Snow
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Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
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Me, Ellen and Mark had our (what is becoming somewhat routine) pretend like we're gonna go out and then come home and talk for an hour about deep things again tonight. We talked about relationships and what make them real. Love is different things for different people, so it's very difficult to put any kind of parameters on it. You need what you need when you need it, and if someone can give it to you, then that's all that matters. What's love to you today could be different from what it will be in 10 years. That's just the way it is.
We also talked about what kind of pressures people feel from their parents, community and beliefs about what kind of person they should be with. Personally I don't think I'll be able to marry someone who isn't black because of the way my family is. That is part of the reason I have such a hard time acting on what I think I feel. It seems so useless to start something that I know will have to end. I sometimes think that as long as a person can sometimes identify with "blackness" that they might be good enough, but I don't know. My dad's side of the family is from Kansas and my Mom's from Louisiana. Despite California-ness, they still hold certain beliefs. Recently 2 close family friends have married a Persian woman and a Mexican man, and it's all people can do to talk about it. My dad's friend Joe is married to a white woman, and every time she comes by, they pick on her so much. The honestly love her, but still can't get over her whiteness. I have always been an outcast in my extended family. Everyone is loud and tells jokes and dresses well. I've always been the quiet smart one who talks funny. I don't think I could bear marrying outside of my race because it would just push me that much farther away.
Mark and Ellen have even deeper issues. Ellen has a lot of pressure to marry someone Jewish because her sister is probably going to marry her current non-Jew boyfriend, and her brother has recently come out. Mark might not even be able to find a happy medium because gender is what stands in his way.
It's so frustrating to think about. I guess you're not supposed to think about it. You're just supposed to let things be. But I have to think about everything. That's why I'm shy and paranoid.
The end.
But not the end... :) While we have to think about what our parents want, there's the whole other more important realm of what your potential partner wants. One of the hardest things to live with is when it's not you. It's so depressing to think about the fact that no matter how much you want to be with some one, they will never love or even like you or they love or want someone else. This gets to me more than anything. Sometimes it's looks or personality, race, religion...or they just aren't attracted. I freak out about that so much. TV (magazines/thefacebook) makes me ill sometimes, because I'm not what I see there. I don't look it or act it or sound like it but that's what sooooo many people are attracted to. It's all so difficult.
Now it's the end for real.
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Right now I'm watching Tokyo Love Story. I'm on episode 5. Nagao's relationship with (secret girl...I don't want to ruin it, but it's not like you didn't see it coming) is so cute and good and healthy. The bring out the best in one another. They can be together and apart, with others or alone... I dunno...maybe this should go under a cut so i won't feel bad for people who don't want me to spoil it...
( the rest )
I don't want to know how this ends. I don't want it to be sad. It gives me hope that relationships really can be like my parents'. I know it's just TV...still... It's nice to know that this kind of thing might be possible... I just need to let it.
P.S. Work was really fun today. The best it's been all summer. There were no managers, and few customers, so I just had fun with Mike and Ashley and Q...and they all have myspace...even some of the (35-year old) managers have it...creeeeeepy.
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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
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I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm tired and my body aches all over. I can't stand being hit on by customers or co-workers and knowing that people are talking about me makes me ill.
If you didn't know, I have issues with men...and old people. On Monday I saw an old man bent over a pile of Dockers messing things up a bit so I asked him, "Can I help you find anything?" which is code for "Please stop touching things." His response: "No I've already found what I'm looking for. I don't need you. Hello and goodbye." That was all a little ruder than I was expecting so I walked away, but people who are mean to me make me try harder with them, so I perked up when he came over with a question. He was looking for a specific size and he said he'd looked through all of them, so I told him I'd check in the computers. "Are the computers gospel?" He asked me..I tried to reply but he cut me off and said, "In my experience computers just flat out lie." I didn't agree 'cause as far as I'm concerned computers have nothing to gain from being unreliable and I doubt they have any interest in fucking around with old people, but I didn't think he'd share my sense of humor so I didn't say anything. The computer said 5, so I went over and found him 3 pairs. He was shocked and suddenly warmed up to me...though first he told me to hide them at the bottom so he could come back the next day (I don't know why). I was soooo frustrated that I'd had to deal with him and that he wasn't going to just get them then. Anyway, after that he started talking to me about how no-wrinkle fabrics are bullshit and I think he tried to get me to feel his shirt. He really started to creep me out because he kept stepping closer and closer to me and his nose was peeling. I couldn't get away and I wanted to be sick and I was really afraid.
I've been afraid of old people since I watched "Cloak and Dagger" and old movie on the Disney channel. Now I can't trust anyone over 60. That and the idea of slowly deteriorating makes my head hurt.
I greeted one man as I always do and he said "You sure are perky" in the most condescending way I've ever heard. I'm paranoid so I wondered why he'd say that for nearly an hour. I'm starting to hate it and my boss asks me every day to work full time or at least more hours. Tomorrow is going to be boring/stressful again because I'll be in Sportswear and Dockers or whatever again. Despite dealing with Mike constantly asking to have his baby/touch his belt buckle, he makes the time go so much faster, so I hate working when he isn't there.
Sleeeeeepy time.
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Saturday, July 16th, 2005
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As I was driving up the hill on my way home tonight, I saw what I thought was someone's fast food trash in the middle of the street. But in the seconds it took me to get closer I realized it was 3 white kittens hunched frozen in the middle of the road. I stopped and it took them forever to get out of the road. I didn't know what to do 'cause i didn't want them to get hit, so I went home and got a box and went back to where I'd found them. They were too shy and after nearly 30 minutes I gave up becuase I kept almost being hit by cars. I can't stop thinking about them though. Blue wasn't even that small when we got her. I'm going back at 7 tomorrow morning to check on them.
Today is Ellen's birthday. I need to find a way to be 21 so I can go out with her. I want to celebrate her and Louise's birthdays before I lose hope for my own. Does anyone else feel really sad for their birthday? It's like I know what I want to do, have, whatever but I'm so afraid it'll fail that I'd rather do nothing and be mopey. Lame isn't it? So far my plan has gone from a party of sorts to going out to eat all day alone around Emeryville or something.
boo i hope the kittens are alright.
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Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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I'm off until Wed afternoon. I know it's really only 3 days, but it's the longest break I've had/will have in a while, so I came home to get away and all that.
Today I went to Monterey with my cousin who's going to CSUMB in the fall. He hates it, and I don't know how he's going to fit in. There weren't really that many black people...plus he doesn't seem to want to meet people. But whatever, he'll work it out. He got prom king, so I guess he's not too socially backwards.
We had a driver 'cause my aunt was in a car accident recently and is too shaken up to drive. The driver was suuuuuch a pain. He drove 10 miles under the speed limit at all time. 25 in the 35 zone...painful. Then he followed me and my mom around downtown Monterey for an hour. I was like WTF, how old are you? go away. (sorry, i'm mean.) Then he thought it would be cool to tell us that a week ago the owner of the driving business got shot getting out of that car because some guys wanted to steal it. deeef TMI.
Ahh, suddenly had a little sadness for my non-sorority life. boo at my failure.
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I'm soooo almost done. I turned in my URL but the last page of my site still needs to be put up.
Tonight was good. I had the room to myself. I probably would have been happier if I'd planned on staying in and all that ahead of time, but I guess it worked out ok. I talked to Scott for the first time in forever (and it's so weird writing this now 'cuase I know you're gonna read it and it's so weird talking about you as though you aren't...). I wish I hadn't been so distracted, but it was good anyway. So comfortable. Like the way things used to be.
After I fake finished my paper I went to Safeway to pick up goodies for movies watching with Louise...because the Scott-ness made me want things to be back to the way they were. I was on a mission to get ice cream, popcorn and maybe a frozen pizza. I took too long at the store and it was nearly 2 when I got out, plus Everlong was playing and it made me want to watch The Faculty even more (we were gonna watch Mean Girls instead). But, somehow it felt like I'd be cheating on Ani (and Julia), plus I realized I needed to finish the site and that I have to wake up for work in the morning, so I gave up on the movie. The next CD was Orbital so I sat in the car and finished Transient and by the end of it all I just felt so...comfortable really is the only word.
Ellen always talks about how important it is to have a good foundation in order to do well. I'm starting to agree. Thinking about all the happy things that happened in the past makes me feel so good and calm and steady. I guess life at night is always better anyway, but I hope this lasts through the day as well. This on top of my talk with Ellen are really making me feel like I'm getting better here.
Pride, work on site, bed. :)
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Sleeping is such a lonely quiet thing. I always feel like I'm forcing myself, especially when I come in and my roommate's already alseep. It's always better together. With someone else. When you've mutually agreed that it's all done for the night. Now I know how m mom feels, why she needs the TV on. My mind wanders too much so I can't ever get there. Next year I'll get a baby tv to put in my room and fall asleep with. That's not a bad idea is it?
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Tonight Dan convinced Ellen who convinced me to sneak into the diving tank/hot tub with him and his friends. It was fun being with them. I missed it. It was like beening with my brother and cousin again. Back before middle school, before I cared, before I stopped talking. I know I've always been bad with strangers. But these aren't new people. And they wanted me there. And I bet they wanted me to talk. I never think about that. wow...I guess that's all.
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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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The birds have been eating the chips ellen left outside...even the birds are smart here.
Stolen from Louise who stole it from Viv.
Write 14 sentences intended for 14 people without saying who.
1. I'm sorry I suck at keeping in touch, you are still my heart.
2. I miss you.
3. I hope you will forgive me one day.
4. I wish you would tell me when you're unhappy 'cause i want to fix all your problems.
5. I hope we can be close someday.
6. I want to meet you.
7. You always make me smile.
8. I'm sorry I left you, and sorry I can't be there now.
9. I wish I were good enough for you.
10. Call me!!!
11. I love you.
12. I hope you are proud of me.
13. I am sad that I don't even know what I want to say to you.
14. I wish I had talked to you.
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| Time: | 5.4.05 - 1.00am |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | my computer dying. |
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So, something did happen but it has little to do with me, still I am affected. Timing really does make a difference. My state of mind is so different all of a sudden. Wasn't that all so cryptic?!
In happier news, I'm an RA in Mirrielees next year. I'm really happy. I think the most shocking part is that I actually got my first choice. I never think that I'm capable of much anymore because everyone around me is beyond perfect. I was definitely preparing myself to live in my 8th choice.
I still need a job for the summer. If you have ideas and you love me, pleeease send them my way.
I really like the Frou Frou CD. I found something in high school that I'd written with them on it. I didn't realize I'd been looking for it for so long. I guess that one single came out forever ago and it took Garden State to blow it up. Oh, and on Sunday when I was soul searching, I finally listened to the Luna CD. I actually like it. It makes me want to roll in the grass on a sunny day with friends. I don't know how I feel about most of the lyrics though...maybe I just don't get it.
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It so quiet right now. I can just feel this darkness coming. I sound like I'm on drugs...but I can just feel it. The feeling you get when you know you fucked up, and all you can do is wait to get in trouble for it. But I don't know what I did wrong, and I have no idea what to expect. Soooo trapped...I'm a nervous wreck. It's so coming. :(
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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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Tonight is my last night on earth.
A week ago, (Sunday night at 1:30am) someone called me, whispered "you're gonna die in 7 days," and hung up. I freaked out accordingly, worried about it for the next 24 hours and then let it drop. I figured I have 7 days left, so why care right now?
Sunday day I was truly happy for the first time in forever. I've been struggling for a while. I think it started Spring quarter last year, maybe after Barristers got worse Fall quarter and I guess it's taken me the rest of this quarter to get back to where I used to be. I smiled and actually meant it. I thought about tomorrow in terms of what I might accomplish instead of what I had to do. I watched "Their Eyes were Watching God" and decided feel more from now on. I was inspired and motivated.
And then, I went to bed and I was told my life was over...when for the first time in forever I didn't wish in the slightest that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. It was just a prank call. I'm not going to die. It's all just a big coincidence. It does make me happy that I value my life now. I'm really back to normal. I've been doing all I can to always have a good time.
So, just in case tonight is my last night, I don't want it to go to waste. I don't know what I should do, but whatever it is, I guess I'll do my best to make it enjoyable. :)
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Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
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| Time: | 12.21.04 - 1.43am |
| Mood: |  bored. | | Music: | christmas music. |
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Guys are so pretty
And sometimes they smell good too
I don't talk to them.
Nights can be so long
sitting with my computer
without much to do.
I seem so boring
but one day I'll be famous
...cooler than Paris.
Holidays are sad
I like the idea but no...
they just make me sad.
The night is quiet
without parties, without stars
all there is is time.
This is the last one
I guess i'll go to sleep now
sweet dreams everyone.
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acutevenus's journal
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