Current mood:	sleepy
Current music:	Tokyo Love Story

la la la means i love you
Me, Ellen and Mark had our (what is becoming somewhat routine) pretend like we're gonna go out and then come home and talk for an hour about deep things again tonight. We talked about relationships and what make them real. Love is different things for different people, so it's very difficult to put any kind of parameters on it. You need what you need when you need it, and if someone can give it to you, then that's all that matters. What's love to you today could be different from what it will be in 10 years. That's just the way it is.

We also talked about what kind of pressures people feel from their parents, community and beliefs about what kind of person they should be with. Personally I don't think I'll be able to marry someone who isn't black because of the way my family is. That is part of the reason I have such a hard time acting on what I think I feel. It seems so useless to start something that I know will have to end. I sometimes think that as long as a person can sometimes identify with "blackness" that they might be good enough, but I don't know. My dad's side of the family is from Kansas and my Mom's from Louisiana. Despite California-ness, they still hold certain beliefs. Recently 2 close family friends have married a Persian woman and a Mexican man, and it's all people can do to talk about it. My dad's friend Joe is married to a white woman, and every time she comes by, they pick on her so much. The honestly love her, but still can't get over her whiteness. I have always been an outcast in my extended family. Everyone is loud and tells jokes and dresses well. I've always been the quiet smart one who talks funny. I don't think I could bear marrying outside of my race because it would just push me that much farther away.

Mark and Ellen have even deeper issues. Ellen has a lot of pressure to marry someone Jewish because her sister is probably going to marry her current non-Jew boyfriend, and her brother has recently come out. Mark might not even be able to find a happy medium because gender is what stands in his way.

It's so frustrating to think about. I guess you're not supposed to think about it. You're just supposed to let things be. But I have to think about everything. That's why I'm shy and paranoid.

The end.

But not the end... :) While we have to think about what our parents want, there's the whole other more important realm of what your potential partner wants. One of the hardest things to live with is when it's not you. It's so depressing to think about the fact that no matter how much you want to be with some one, they will never love or even like you or they love or want someone else. This gets to me more than anything. Sometimes it's looks or personality, race, religion...or they just aren't attracted. I freak out about that so much. TV (magazines/thefacebook) makes me ill sometimes, because I'm not what I see there. I don't look it or act it or sound like it but that's what sooooo many people are attracted to. It's all so difficult.

Now it's the end for real.